CHAPTER ONE: Handsome yet unmarried historian Hugh Heckman stood in the National Archives Building in Washington, D.C., squinting through the bulletproof glass at the U.S. Constitution. Suddenly, he made an amazing discovery.
''My God!'' he said, out loud. ``This is incredible! Soon I will say what it is.''
CHAPTER TWO: ''What is it?'' said a woman Heckman had never seen before who happened to be standing next to him. She was extremely beautiful, but wore glasses as a sign of intelligence.
''My name is Desiree Legume,'' she said.
Heckman felt he could trust her.
''Look at this!'' he said, pointing to the Constitution.
''My God, that's incredible!'' said Desiree. ``It's going to be very surprising when we finally reveal what we're talking about!''
CHAPTER THREE: ''Yes,'' said Hugh, ``incredible as it seems, there are extra words written in the margin of the U.S. Constitution, and nobody ever noticed them until now! They appear to be in some kind of code.''
''Let me look,'' said Desiree. ``In addition to being gorgeous, I am a trained codebreaker. Oh my God!''
''What is it?'' asked Hugh in an excited yet concerned tone of voice. ''The message,'' said Desiree, ``is . . . ''
But just then, the chapter ended.
CHAPTER FOUR: ''It's a fiendishly clever code,'' explained Desiree. 'As you can see, the words say: `White House White House Bo Bite House, Banana Fana Fo Fite House, Fe Fi Mo Mite House, White House.' ''
''Yes,'' said Hugh, frowning in bafflement. ``But what can it possibly mean?''
''If I am correct,'' said Desiree, ``it is referring to . . . the White House!''
''My God!'' said Hugh. ``That's where the president lives! Do you think . . . ''
''Do I think what?'' said Desiree.
''I don't know,'' said Hugh. ``But we're about to find out.''
CHAPTER FIVE: Hugh and Desiree crouched in some bushes next to the Oval Office.
''We'd better hurry up and solve this mystery,'' remarked Desiree anxiously. ''It's only a matter of time before somebody notices that the Constitution is missing.'' She had slipped it into her purse at the National Archives while the guard wasn't looking.
''The answer must be here somewhere,'' said Hugh, studying the ancient document, which was brown from age and the fact that he had spilled Diet Peach Snapple on it.
''Wait a minute!'' he said. ``I've got it!''
''What?'' said Desiree, her breasts heaving into view.
''The answer!'' said Hugh. ``It's . . .
But just then, shots rang out.
CHAPTER SIX: ''That was close!'' remarked Desiree. ``Fortunately, those shots had nothing to do with the plot of this book.''
''Yes,'' said Hugh. ``Anyway, as I was saying, the answer is to hold the Constitution up so that it is aligned with the White House and the Washington Monument. . . . There, do you see what I mean?''
''My God!'' said Desiree, seeing what he meant. ``It's . . . ''
''Hold it right there,'' said the president of the United States.
CHAPTER SEVEN: '' . . . and so you see,'' concluded the president, ``you two uncovered a shocking and fascinating secret that, if it should ever get out, could change the course of history.''
''Mr. President,'' said Desiree, ``thank you for that riveting and satisfying explanation, which will be fleshed out into much greater detail once there is a publishing contract.''
''Also,'' noted Hugh, ``we may use some beverage other than Snapple, depending on what kind of product-placement deals can be worked out.''
''Good,'' said the president. ``Now can I have the Constitution back?''
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